Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Monday, October 01, 2007
where am I?
Current mood: rejected
Somewhere In The MiddleThe Altar and The Doorby Casting Crowns
Somewhere between the hot and the coldSomewhere between the new and the oldSomewhere between who I am and who I used to beSomewhere in the middle, You'll find meSomewhere between the wrong and the rightSomewhere between the darkness and the lightSomewhere between who I was and who You're making meSomewhere in the middle, You'll find meJust how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all controlFearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common senseDeep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middleWith eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who isBut will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middleAre we caught in the middleSomewhere between my heart and my handsSomewhere between my faith and my plansSomewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing wavesSomewhere between a whisper and a roarSomewhere between the altar and the doorSomewhere between contented peace and always wanting moreSomewhere in the middle You'll find meJust how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all controlLord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my sideLoving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

hmmm. ... .. . So, that's where I am. I had made some decisions today (good ones, too), but now I'm being told that they aren't really mine to make. I am struggling so much with this. I have to stop hoping for anything these days. It seems I'm always in tears. You know, I've been trying to examine my past, and was upset that I couldn't identify anything that hurt me, or anything I was guilty about. One hurtful mini battle yesterday with someone I love brought something to the surface that I had rationalized and pushed aside. I never felt bad about that situation, but having it in my face again was horrible. I'm grateful that I was hurt this weekend. I'm scared that this is only the beginning. There's probably a well of issues that will be resurfacing in the coming days.
Anyway. Now you kinda know where I am. Where are you?

Currently listening:The Altar and the DoorBy Casting CrownsRelease date: 28 August, 2007

Friday, August 31, 2007
I wonder...
Current mood: optimistic
I wonder...
If there's so much beauty in the world, how come so many of us don't see it? I mean, don't really see it. We refuse to recognize and admire it, when it's all around us! Within us, even.
We, as a people, tend to gloss over everything. We let passion and beauty and dreams slip in and out of focus instead of directing our attentions on this gift. Beauty is the our proof that He's out there, loving us! He wants to share it with us, no, it's more than that. He's giving it to us. Beauty is a gift, yet we don't look. When we do see beauty, so often we begin to approach it with admiration, but the idea of a beauty so great does something to us that makes us run from it, diminish it, demean it... We reject it, and I don't understand why. Maybe we are afraid that it's matchless, that it down plays what little beauty we believe we have to offer. I, too, am of course guilty of this. But, even so, it pains me to see so many people suffering because they do not see the beauty they bring to the lives of others. Or maybe they don't value what is right in front of them because the loss of a past beauty follows them, haunts them.
I don't have any answers. I was just watching The Painted Veil, which is a gorgeous film. In it, the woman refused to allow herself to love her man because she focused on what she saw in him that was different from her. She had her own beliefs about love & marriage, to be sure, but it wasn't until the beauty of this person was made known to her that she began to show any of her own. It got me teary eyed and got me to pondering (it happens sometimes), which, in turn has lead to this rambling. There's no point to this, I just had some thoughts I thought I'd get out. I do often wonder... about all sorts of things, you know. Right now I'm pondering the loss of all the beauty we have been given that is taken for granted. Open your eyes! Help me to keep mine open, too! Just think how wonderful day to day living would be if you took notice of, accepted, and appreciated all the beauty that surrounds you. I mean really. Wouldn't that be... a beautiful way to live?
K, that's all. Thank you for humoring me this evening. Have a safe labor day weekend, all. Keep your eyes open.

Currently listening:The Eleventh HourBy Jars of ClayRelease date: 05 March, 2002

Monday, August 20, 2007
if it feels like love, and looks like love....
Category: Life
I don't have anything specific I want to write about this evening, but I had a blogworthy scenario to share, and also a little blurb I found while cleaning out my backpack last night in preperation for the first day back at school since....a week ago. Sucks. School, that is.
Scenario: Picture it, if you will. Last week, it was a Thursday night. This scene takes place at, I dunno, like 5 am. Where am I? Not snoring as you'd expect, but, in fact, 40 minutes away from my comfy bed. There I am, sitting on the floor of my ex-boyfriend's house, ironing his bandannas. If that's not a blogworthy scenario, I don't know what is. Actually, it would make a good intro for some chick lit. Whenever I find time to write my fiction masterpiece, I'll have to remember that. I'll take this same scenario (minus the scrapbooking that was actually taking place), spice it up with loads of drama, and sell it in the form of an affordable paperback. Yes; that's what I'll do.
Next, let me first say that I am cheap and reuse the same folders for as many semesters as possible. While cleaning one out last night, I found a short opinion response form my marriage and families class. It was hastily written and not thought out, you can tell. But, if I remember correctly, my professor sprung these questions on us at the start of our 8AM class. I was usually walking in as everyone was finishing up, wishing I had the time to stop for coffee. This particular morning he posed a question about love. I didn't write down the question I was responding to, but I'm thinking it was a simple one: What is love? A simple one to ask, yes. To answer? No. I wonder if your ideas about love change over time... like feelings sometimes do. Anyway, here's that particular blurb:
Love is an intense emotional attachment to someone. When you love someone, their happiness is equally as important to you as your own. You make some sacrifices in your life in order to be with them, and learn to compromise and give unselfishly. You want to learn from someone you love, and teach them things as well. You are always ready to help them, and make time to spend with them even when it's difficult or brief. When you love someone, you respect them. You want to grow with someone you love. You trust someone you love.
And that was it. I guess I ran out of time. It was short and succinct, to be sure. I think, though, it is how I feel about love in a nutshell. Of course, this makes it sound as if it's all about giving, and makes me sould like a doormat who thinks love is all about making someone happy, and that's not how I feel at all. I do however, feel that a huge part of it is being happy to make that person happy. Am I being contradictory? Anyway. I've typed enough nonsensical, comma filled, run-on sentences for one night. I'm not gonna philosophise about love tonight. No, sir. I'm tossing this piece of binder paper with the red check on it that shows my professor saw it, but didn't read it into the garbage, and am moving on. It's my last year of this, after all. I won't dwell on previous semesters.
-whoa. That was odd. Not to change the subject, but I just misspelled "previous". One letter difference says that what once was, and is no longer, is "precious." More food for thought.... will I get any sleep tonight?!?

Thursday, July 05, 2007
a simple prayer
Current mood: distressed
Lord, I'm losing it.
I need your help.
Give me the clarity to see when I'm overreacting, or being hasty, needy, obtuse, selfish, insecure, greedy, stubborn, irritating, foolish, attention hogging, jumpy, overexpectant, whiny, a pain in the butt, or just plain stupid. Then, help me find the wisdom, courage, and strength to do something about it. Don't let me let things brew, percolate, and fester. Last night's fireworks were enough, thank you very much.
Don't let me forget that I can't live on my own.
Thanks.... ... .. . for everything. I don't want to take one second of it for granted.
OK. I'm sure you'll be hearing from me again, like, really soon. But for the time being,

Currently listening:If I Could Turn Back Time: Cher's Greatest HitsBy CherRelease date: 09 March, 1999

Sunday, June 10, 2007
Current mood: thankful Category: Life
My dad likes to remind me that I have no idea how fortunate I am. Be that as it may, I know I am so blessed. He doesn't need to tell me that I've got it better than most could hope for. I am aware, and I try hard not to take it for granted. Regardless, he's right. And today, I am so thankful.

Lately, I've noticed that I have had plenty of moments of doubt, insecurity, depression, and maybe even temporary insanity. I've gone through it all quite a bit in recent days. I don't know why I'm reflecting on it all, now, but there's a whole bunch of emotions that I'm feeling right now. There's tears in my eyes even as I writie this, and I have no explanation for their presence.

A lot has gone on in the last month.
Schools out, at least for a bit, and I have had a lot more time to myself. I went to "the house at the end of the universe" for eight days with little or no contact with the outside world. It was an experience unlike anything else I could relate it to. (I think last year I claimed it to be like boot camp, but how would I know?)
My family has been in and out of my house for a little over a week now. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousin. Everybody. I can't tell you the last time I've seen all of them together. Most are in California, others in NYC and Philly. I'm finally back from the shoot and have lots of things to tell people, and time I want to spend with those I've missed, but I must stay with the company. I am so glad to see everyone, but once all the catching up is done with them, there's catching up I need to do with my friends too. I feel awful that I'm torn. Family should always come first, and I should not feel pained or burdened by spending time with them. But, even with a full house, I still feel alone- and this is all my family. I can't explain it.
My grandfather pointed out a painting in a restaurant. It was a chinese character. The little notecard next to it said that it meant happiness. My grandfather corrected it- it means blessings. He then asked me what my definition of a blessing was. I think I said something like, happiness and well wishes or something. He agreed, but expanded that in his culture, a blessing encompasses your family, health, wealth, happiness, an so much more. Then we talked about magical blessings (we mere mortals are incapable of giving these types of blessings, only wishing blessings upon someone), and blessings from God. It was an interesting convo, and I'm not going to go into it, but I'll just say that whether my family was blessed and I turned out ok, or I have been blessed in my own life, I am thankful. So thankful.
My little brother is now a high school graduate. The transmission in my car is acting up. I haven't been to Church in 3 weeks. I'm broke (what's new?), and I'm an emotional wreck.

But, I'm happy. Truly happy. I love that I am able to spend this much time with my family. Everyone is relatively healthy. My friends and coworkers are understanding of my needs. I got to spend a week doing work that excites me with people that entertain me. I'm healthy. My car is out of the shop. I got a PS2. and, I know that I'm loved. How can you not be happy when you know you're loved and blessed? I just need to kick myself whenever I get all down and self-pitying. I've been told my insecurities are not very becomin. As much as that statement ticked me off, I know it's true, 'cuz I can't stand myself when I act this way.

I just got back from watching Away From Her, which was such an emotional story about love and alzheimers desease. I don't know how people cope with such hardships, but I know I must learn. It may not be in my home, but it's coming close enough. I need to know how to be there for the people in my life that I love who must deal with this now and in the future. How do I learn empathy and sympathy? Where do those words and actions of comfort come from?

Anyway. That was a lot of babble about nothing. I got this in an email today. It seems somewhat fitting with my mood, but even if it's not, I liked it and thought I'd share. I know I need to let go and put my life in His hands, but there are somethings that I can control.

Today I Will Make a Differenceby Max LucadoToday I will make a difference. I will begin by controlling my thoughts.A person is the product of his thoughts. I want to be happy and hopeful.Therefore, I will have thoughts that are happy and hopeful. I refuse to be victimized by my circumstances. I will not let petty inconveniencessuch as stoplights, long lines, and traffic jams be my masters. I willavoid negativism and gossip. Optimism will be my companion, and victory will be my hallmark. Today I will make a difference.I will be grateful for the twenty-four hours that are before me. Time isa precious commodity. I refuse to allow what little time I have to becontaminated by self-pity, anxiety, or boredom. I will face this day with the joy of a child and the courage of a giant. I will drink eachminute as though it is my last. When tomorrow comes, today will be goneforever. While it is here, I will use it for loving and giving. Today I will make a difference.I will not let past failures haunt me. Even though my life is scarredwith mistakes, I refuse to rummage through my trash heap of failures. Iwill admit them. I will correct them. I will press on. Victoriously. No failure is fatal. It's OK to stumble. . I will get up. It's OK to fail.
I will rise again. Today I will make a difference.I will spend time with those I love. My spouse, my children, my family.A man can own the world but be poor for the lack of love. A man can ownnothing and yet be wealthy in relationships. Today I will spend at leastfive minutes with the significant people in my world. Five qualityminutes of talking or hugging or thanking or listening. Five undilutedminutes with my mate, children, and friends.Today I will make a difference.From Shaped by GodCopyright (Tyndale House, 2002) Max Lucado

Currently reading:Dragons of a Fallen Sun (Dragonlance: The War of Souls, Volume I)By Margaret WeisRelease date: 01 January, 2001

Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Current mood: discontent Category: Life
Those of you that have kept up with my blogs from the beginning, and those that have known me for a bit, know that I've been struggling. Recent blogs have been fairly upbeat, shallow rantings, or whatever. Things have been pretty good lately. The ups and downs I've been going through are a part of life and are nothing compared to the hardships others face. I'm selfish, though. Self consumed, if you will. Indulge me while I write about myself.
For a long time, I tried to convince myself that I do not want to believe in many things. I wanted to be in control of my life, and in trying to attain and maintain that control, I lost it. You all know the stories. And here I am. I'm fighting to... fighting to accept that my life is not in my control. I am faced with so many choices everyday. Simple choices. Choices about getting up and going school and work. Choices about my interactions with people. I choose whether to sit back or take charge. To stand up or give in. I usually give in...
I don't know what I'm doing. I need guidance, and faith, and people I can trust to not take advantage of me when I'm so obviously floundering and vulnerable. I wasn't always like this. I thought I was strong and beautiful and headed for great things. But somewhere along the way I lost sight of myself. I have very little discipline, self control. I let go of my faith and cannot seem to grasp it again. I fight with myself and push people away. I don't laugh easily. The walls that I was sure I was working to break down seem to be more resilient than I thought. (I hope they're not indestructable. I can't see through to the other side and I so badly want to). I know I've written about this before. Since I came to Charlotte, I thought things were geting better. But, I just wasn't upset about my position any more. I was going with the flow, going nowhere, and pretending I was going somewhere. I was fine with that. I thought my situation had changed, but I still can't seem to find my direction. I am not okay with that any longer.
The things I thought I was so sure of don't hold their water anymore. Some things I think about so much that I end up confusing myself more than I was before. I think in circles, overanalyze, and I still can't seem to put my finger on that something... I have nothing that moves me. There's very little that is important to me, and nothing that I'm passionate about. I am not comfortable looking people in the eye anymore. How sad.
I'm lost. "I still believe that I cannot be saved ". I don't think I believe that, but I can't get it out of my head. I've met a lot of great people in Charlotte. I think everyone has made an impression on me in some way or another; even the people I don't think about often or don't like thinking about at all. I think a lot of this introspection is because of their influence. I see what I don't like about some of them in me. I am envious of most for having their passions, concern, motivation, determination, admirations, love... I want some of that for myself, even though I may have denied wanting those things for so long. And I think I'm ready to let go of some things, and not only make a path for myself, but also let myself be lead. But, I'm scared and don't know where to begin. You would think that coming to this realization would make me feel good- like I'm taking the first step, but, in actuality, it's very discomforting.
I know some of you will read this and have insights to offer. Even those that barely know me may want to help me. Just know that I won't know how to let you. I know you will, though. I thank you in advance.
Okay. Deep breath. I kinda hope nobody reads this, (but you know I'm conflicted and desperately hope deep down inside that everyone reads this and wants to hold my hand). Someone already is, and has been from the moment I shared any of my doubts. Thank you.
Crawling linkin parkcrawling in my skinthese wounds they will not healfear is how I fallconfusing what is realthere's something inside me that pulls beneath the surfaceconsuming/confusingthis lack of self-control I fear is never endingcontrolling/I can't seemto find myself againmy walls are closing in(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way beforeso insecurecrawling in my skinthese wounds they will not healfear is how I fallconfusing what is realdiscomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon medistracting/reactingagainst my will I stand beside my own reflectionit's haunting how I can't seem... to find myself againmy walls are closing in(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way beforeso insecurecrawling in my skinthese wounds they will not healfear is how I fallconfusing what is realcrawling in my skinthese wounds they will not healfear is how I fallconfusing confusing what is realthere's something inside me that pulls beneath the surfaceconsuming/confusing what is realthis lack of self-control I fear is never endingcontrolling/confusing what is real

Currently listening:Mellon Collie and the Infinite SadnessBy Smashing PumpkinsRelease date: 24 October, 1995

Friday, November 17, 2006
forecast for the days ahead
Current mood: happy Category: Life
I'm happy.
and a little scared, but still hopeful. I dunno what's happening in my life. I've got no clue, but that's ok. I kinda feel that I like the direction things are headed. I'm going to try to be as normal as I can be, and not act like a complete lunatic anymore. Gotta keep my head on straight.
Outlook's bright for the days ahead. A chance of mild dissappointments, but nothing that should slow me down. Change may be blowing in strong, but only to clear away the clouds, giving way to sunshine like I haven't felt for a long time... I can tell.

Sunday, October 22, 2006
taking it slow
Current mood: complacent Category: Life
So, I'm trying to slow down. I have been rushing through so many things in my life, and I'm not sure what I was hurrying towards. I see I may have just skipped right over some key areas of the times and experiences I should have lived more fully. Does that make sense? Anyway, I'm trying to change that.
It's been hard. I'm not used to my life at this pace. But I think I like it. I'm making more time to enjoy the time I have. Did that make sense? If I'm not making any sense to you, stop reading now 'cuz it's not gonna get any better. I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I'm just in the mood to write. And think. And eat warm you all over good to the last drop home cooked food. If I had someone I could cuddle with under a blanket and watch a movie with right now, I'd do it. Too bad my pup is wet.
I am so chill right now. Sweats and no makeup. I am not doing homework or anything, but have just been loungin around by myself. The house is quiet. The sun's finally out. It's been nice. But I'm kinda cold, and the vegetable soup I made, and the laying with a blanket in the recliner didn't seem to help. I couldn't stay awake throughout the whole movie that I was watching for extra credit. I dunno if it is because of last night's activities, or the weather, or the fact that I'm in the comfiest clothes right now, but it's not enough. Something is missing. I'm almost content right now. Almost. It's funny, most of the time when I'm unproductive and lounging, I just feel lethargic and sorry. Today is so not like that. But still, it could be better..
I'll stop going on about this now. I just am trying to write and let words flow without thinking about it. Maybe it'll help me if I wanna do Nanowrimo again this year. All I really wanted to say was that I'm taking things slow. Or trying to. It's weird. I can't really guage where I stand or where others stand in relation to me and my life and my goals. I guess that's pretty normal and I may get used to it with time. I'm hoping that with time I'll figure out what I want and things will be a little more clear for me. In the meantime, I just hope I don't get fed up with being uncertain.. I have before and look where it got me. Me going out and getting shit without knowing what it was I wanted or why I wanted it... That never really worked for me. It was an okay temporary feeling, but I think everytime I moved like that and got what I wanted so quickly, I ended up feeling more lacking, more hollow than before. So, I may still be a little impulsive, but I'm trying to see the beauty and logic and music in the things time lets us feel if we feel like taking the time. Roy said it, and it may be true that "All those moments ... will be lost ... in time ... like tears in rain." but damn, they are great to have and I'm glad I've decided to make them and keep them. I'm going about everything a little differently, and not everything is gonna work out the way I want it to. If I seem to be losing focus or getting discouraged, please remind me to slow down. I don't want to go back to who I was or lose sight of what I want this time.

Currently watching:Blade Runner - The Director's Cut (Remastered Limited Edition)Release date: 05 September, 2006

Saturday, April 22, 2006
She's my subject
Current mood: okay Category: Writing and Poetry
She's Laughing with the bartender when the lights come onDancing when nobody's watchingNot caring when anybody isComfortable in her elementSometimes surprised at what her element isStretched out on the grass with a book and her dogNot a shit talkerNot stressing about running lateInfuriated when she's ignoredAbout to get over itTalking to the treesCooking up a stormGot a pen in her handNot gonna sweat youA FighterA FeministA FriendOkay with letting go Ready to see the worldWilling to teach the communityWanting to touch livesSometimes playfulLooking for inspiration She'sNot easily forgottenGonna make it She's Just fine.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Current mood: quiet Category: Writing and Poetry
My life is changing. Starting with a new place to rest my head at night, a new place to call home. As I've been packing up my life, I've found old journals. Random stationary, notebooks, diaries. It seems, in my past life, I was a writer, of sorts, 'cuz I've found rhythmic lines in tucked away places. Everywhere. Things I'd long forgotten about. Some make me recall memories & emotion. Others I have no idea what inspired. It's kind of intriguing. Definitely curious.Most are not the type I'd share, many I won't read again, and some should've been tossed the moment the pen touched the page, but they are words from my heart, none the less. I'm going to chuck some, cuz I'm learning to let go. But, others still have pages of room to fill with scrawling ink, and my future might hold promises of writing.But, I am changing.I don't write anymore.... much of anything.

Currently listening:Dog ProblemsBy The FormatRelease date: 2006-07-11

Sunday, August 03, 2008
This song’s been stuck in my head...
Category: Music
-and, no, I'm not talking about "I kissed a girl." Though, I seem to have that damn song playing through my head every morning, too.It's a real oldie. If you don't know Oleta Adams. Find her, listen to her, love her. She's amazingly gifted. Anyway, here's I've got a right:Tell me what's on your mindWe're running out of timeI can tell from the look in your eyesYou're making decisions with me in mind.I've asked you this beforeBut it's hard to pin you downWith a chance to have everything and nothingYou're really putting me in a bindI've got a right to know the truthWill you be loving me tomorrow?Making plans for twoWill I be drowning in my sorrow?I really need to knowthe truth about my chancesoh living with youI'm learning to live aloneIt's hard for me to knowBabe, I can't read your mindJust when I think I've opened the doorYou close it just in timeYou call me back and thensay you love me once againand I feel like I'm on a roller coasterand it's getting out of handI've got a right to know the truthWill you be loving me tomorrow?Making plans for twoWill I be drowning in my sorrow?I really need to knowThe truth about my chancesof living with youI'm learning to live alone

Currently listening:Circle of OneBy Oleta AdamsRelease date: 2006-03-13

Monday, April 28, 2008
it starts now.
I am so ready
to be finished with school.
for sunny days and heat
short dresses and flip flops.
to check out the new Dippin' Dots place by my house
and Lauren's new boba store.
for another adventure.
the next chapter
the next step.
my house!
for dessert.
for manis and pedis.
for celebrations. of many kinds.
for long drives
good company
grilling. mmmmm.
devilled eggs.
rosemary mint lemonade
to travel.
to meet new people
and try new things.
To lay in the green, green grass
and gaze at the blue sky.
For movies & icees
rootbeer floats
and freckled lemonade.
for spontaneity.
sweatiness & cool water.
to be independent.
I am so ready
for the rest of my life to begin.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

being unsure is positively related to being insecure.this sucks. I’d be so much more confident about myself and my life if I had just a smidgen more certainty and a pinch less doubt. I am very much in need of some boundaries and definitions right now.

Thursday, January 17, 2008
some things I love about The Bay
Current mood: bouncy
Before I begin, a preface. I love my family. This Christmas, I was able to spend it with them for the first time in three years. I have to tell you that there are few things that I really, really miss about California. What you're about to see is just one of those things. I don't want you to read this and think I flew 3000 miles to eat. However, I did make it a point to stop at all my favorite places, and returned to the Carolinas about 10 lbs heavier than when I left. I know it's been a while since then, but I've been occupied. So here it is, finally. A blog about my holidays.
Dim Sum. Ah.... what can I say about the wonders
of Dim Sum? Many of my favorite Chinese dishes,

all in small portions, being presented to you constantly. Yes, I want that. And that. No, not that one. Yes, some of those....

After who knows how many years, we got my brother to taste one of my all time favorites- chicken feet. He left the table five dollars richer, and with another experience under his belt.

And then, of Course there was lots of cooking. For Christmas dinner, we had crab legs. Awesome appetizers, lots of wine (we were in Napa). Pies and cakes. Candy. Pear cider. Squash, cauliflower, and other veggies. It was superb.
Then..... THE GREAT CHINA. My favorite restaurant. It's in Berkely. My altime favorite dish is served there. It's a sauteed crab dish served with hot chinese buns. My uncle and I always joke about coming there and getting one order for just the two of us (it can serve about 12 people). We play fight over the last bun every time, but he always gives it to me. We had so much food that night. My grandparents wanted to order all of our favorites since we rarely get to eat here. At most, twice a year. Here's just a few of the dishes:

Something else that was fun.... Joong. They are usually pork, green beans, and preserved egg inside sticky rice, wrapped in bannana leaves. You can get sweet ones, or other fillings, too. I love these. Last time my grandparents came for a visit, my kung kung (mom's dad) boasted that he knew how to make them. It's hard work, and we had never seen him make them, so, needless to say, we did not believe him. My popo (mom's mom) didn't even believe him. So, on this trip, we found he had prepared all the ingredients and was going to show us how it was done.
It was so funny. We had all the right stuff, but none of us could figure out how to wrap the stuff with the leaves. They are supposed to be in these tight little cones wrapped with string, so that none of the filling comes out. None of ours turned out like cones. They were all different shapes and sizes... but they turned out pretty good.

It was great to be back in the bay- except for the escaped SF Zoo tiger attack:

We had an awesome time doing things besides eating too. We shopped, went to asian markets, hung out.... We did eat a lot. Chinese, Nations Giant Hamburgers, Jamba Juice.... it was great. I love my familia.

The End.

Thursday, January 10, 2008
nominating myself for best supporting actress...?
Category: Life
This is going to be rubbish, so quit while you're ahead. I just need to ramble a bit to see if the thoughts that have been streaming through my mind spell out what I think they might....
Hmm... where to begin? First off, I've never really had a problem with housewives and stay at home moms. However, I think part of me always had this idea that they were settling, or something. I don't know where that came from. I've always thought I wanted more for my life than resigning to that place. Not that I've changed my mind and decided to marry, settle down, and not work. That's definitely not the case. But, I have oftened pondered whether it's bad to just want to be good at those things. What if I'm quick, educated, smart, and independent? If I volunteer? Does that change how I feel about not working? Anyway. This is not about that. Not really. blah..........ok. how about I start somewhere else.
I don't know what I want to do when I'm done with college. (That time is just over the horizon.) It's always been an issue for me, for my parents, for people who genuinely have an interest in my future, that I don't have any real passions or dreams. ... well. Lately I've been grasping at straws. I'm ready to take any job just so I can buy my house and throw dinner parties and entertain my friends. I'd be a regular Martha Stewart, if I could. ...minus the house arrest ankle bracelet thingies. Not attractive.
But, what if I know that I like being supportive? I like taking care of people. What if it's being "there for you", and being encouraging, and helping others realize their dreams that leaves me feeling fulfilled? What if that's my role? Could I be meant to be filling a supporting role? Maybe I'm not meant to be "best actress", but rather "best supporting actress." What's really wrong with that? I mean, where would we be without that person in our lives? Those types of people make great moms- but where else can they be that person?
So now, the question is- what do I do with that? What options does this mentality leave me with? Should I be trying to turn this desire/characteristic into a profession? Or should I just continue to try and develop this trait and affectionately lavish it on those I care about? I don't know what to do. I may not even think about this again after I leave my seat, head out of the library, and off to my next class. It's not a big deal. Just something I thought of when I was walking in the rain, praying for someone else's day- not my own.
mmmneh. that's enough for now.

Currently listening:Silver RainBy Marcus MillerRelease date: 12 April, 2005

Thursday, November 22, 2007
that flavor you taste in the sweet potatoes- it’s a little something I call AB positive
Current mood: full
I just woke up from where I had fallen asleep on the sofa with a darling baby girl sleeping in my arms...
"Let us come to Him with thanksgiving. Let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms." Psalm 95:2

So, some family from California came to visit for Thanksgiving.We laughed, sang, smiled, hugged, played, watched, shopped. But, they're leaving Thanksgiving morning, so we celebrated early. Today I chopped, basted, rubbed, stirred, sautéed, baked, roasted, and mashed. It was fun. I do love to cook. It was nothing fancy, just tasty. What did we have tonight? Well, with the help of my mom, (she did the turkey and oversaw the stuffing, making suggestions for everything else all day, too. Thanks, mom!) We had, turkey, of course. It was yummy. I made my famous creamy mashed potatoes- with a hint of celery and garlic this time around. There was a basket of cheesy garlic biscuits on the table, a green bean casserole, candied sweet potatoes, stuffing, and cranberry sauce/chutney/relish/whatever. Pink champagne, chardonnay, Martinelli's. And a baby who was cute enough to eat. And then, of course, there was dessert. Alas, I didn't end up making any this year, but I partook in the eating, nonetheless. Lemon tart, pumpkin pie, gingerbread cake. Mmmmm. I do love dessert.

My fingers still burn from the jalapeños I chopped earlier... not to mention from slicing into my index finger halfway through the preparations. If you see misspellings and typos, I blame it on not being able to use that finger. What else did I chop today? Well, here's a rundown of ingredients I handled today (in no particular order): garlic, red bell pepper, golden raisins, cranberries (fresh & dried), onions, scallions, carrots, celery, flax seed, parsley, sausage, potatoes, sweet potatoes, honey, molasses, ginger, green beans, mushrooms, milk, flour, butter, fried onions, pear, apple, orange juice, chicken broth, cream of mushroom soup, herb stuffing mix, eggs, cheese, brown sugar, marshmallows, cinnamon, sage, dill, bay leaves & other spices... I don't remember what else. It was fun. I wonder what would happen if I put all this stuff in a crock pot together.... never mind. Bad idea.
My family is packing and preparing to leave right now. It's not often we get to visit. This was the first time I had seen my brother and his new family since he got married this summer. It was great. Family time is good. Vacation is good. Being an aunt is good, too. Kennedy is three months old and cute as can be. She's such a good girl. She's lucky to have a big brother and sister that take such good care of her, too. It will be sad to wake up tomorrow and find that they've already gone. The visit was enjoyable. There's still so much family I didn't get to see. I miss them more during the holidays. I'm taking a trip to the Bay Area in December. This will be the first Christmas I've spent with all of them since we moved here three years ago. I can hardly wait!
I find that I get so caught up in the drama and frivolity of everyday life. I often catch myself being so consumed by my own selfish thoughts and desires. There are moments and instances that I know I am grateful for all that I've been blessed with, but they don't occur often enough. Today, I am reminded that being thankful and having an attitude of gratitude makes life so much more pleasant. It makes the small things obviously so, and the little things enormous- if you know what I mean.
I'm thankful for so many things: Time to share with those I love, yummy food, and the means to put up this blog are right there at the top of my long list. I'm thankful for you, my friend. Thanks for keeping up with me in these ways, these days.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Currently listening:Givin’ It UpBy George BensonRelease date: 24 October, 2006
I always kept my blog on Myspace. I don't ever go on myspace anymore, therefore, I rarely blog these days. I'm gonna transfer over some old posts and let this be my new blog home.

If you're on myspace and want to see the originals, its at blogs.myspace.com/theladysafox