Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Monday, October 01, 2007
where am I?
Current mood: rejected
Somewhere In The MiddleThe Altar and The Doorby Casting Crowns
Somewhere between the hot and the coldSomewhere between the new and the oldSomewhere between who I am and who I used to beSomewhere in the middle, You'll find meSomewhere between the wrong and the rightSomewhere between the darkness and the lightSomewhere between who I was and who You're making meSomewhere in the middle, You'll find meJust how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all controlFearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common senseDeep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middleWith eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who isBut will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middleAre we caught in the middleSomewhere between my heart and my handsSomewhere between my faith and my plansSomewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing wavesSomewhere between a whisper and a roarSomewhere between the altar and the doorSomewhere between contented peace and always wanting moreSomewhere in the middle You'll find meJust how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all controlLord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my sideLoving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

hmmm. ... .. . So, that's where I am. I had made some decisions today (good ones, too), but now I'm being told that they aren't really mine to make. I am struggling so much with this. I have to stop hoping for anything these days. It seems I'm always in tears. You know, I've been trying to examine my past, and was upset that I couldn't identify anything that hurt me, or anything I was guilty about. One hurtful mini battle yesterday with someone I love brought something to the surface that I had rationalized and pushed aside. I never felt bad about that situation, but having it in my face again was horrible. I'm grateful that I was hurt this weekend. I'm scared that this is only the beginning. There's probably a well of issues that will be resurfacing in the coming days.
Anyway. Now you kinda know where I am. Where are you?

Currently listening:The Altar and the DoorBy Casting CrownsRelease date: 28 August, 2007

Friday, August 31, 2007
I wonder...
Current mood: optimistic
I wonder...
If there's so much beauty in the world, how come so many of us don't see it? I mean, don't really see it. We refuse to recognize and admire it, when it's all around us! Within us, even.
We, as a people, tend to gloss over everything. We let passion and beauty and dreams slip in and out of focus instead of directing our attentions on this gift. Beauty is the our proof that He's out there, loving us! He wants to share it with us, no, it's more than that. He's giving it to us. Beauty is a gift, yet we don't look. When we do see beauty, so often we begin to approach it with admiration, but the idea of a beauty so great does something to us that makes us run from it, diminish it, demean it... We reject it, and I don't understand why. Maybe we are afraid that it's matchless, that it down plays what little beauty we believe we have to offer. I, too, am of course guilty of this. But, even so, it pains me to see so many people suffering because they do not see the beauty they bring to the lives of others. Or maybe they don't value what is right in front of them because the loss of a past beauty follows them, haunts them.
I don't have any answers. I was just watching The Painted Veil, which is a gorgeous film. In it, the woman refused to allow herself to love her man because she focused on what she saw in him that was different from her. She had her own beliefs about love & marriage, to be sure, but it wasn't until the beauty of this person was made known to her that she began to show any of her own. It got me teary eyed and got me to pondering (it happens sometimes), which, in turn has lead to this rambling. There's no point to this, I just had some thoughts I thought I'd get out. I do often wonder... about all sorts of things, you know. Right now I'm pondering the loss of all the beauty we have been given that is taken for granted. Open your eyes! Help me to keep mine open, too! Just think how wonderful day to day living would be if you took notice of, accepted, and appreciated all the beauty that surrounds you. I mean really. Wouldn't that be... a beautiful way to live?
K, that's all. Thank you for humoring me this evening. Have a safe labor day weekend, all. Keep your eyes open.

Currently listening:The Eleventh HourBy Jars of ClayRelease date: 05 March, 2002

Monday, August 20, 2007
if it feels like love, and looks like love....
Category: Life
I don't have anything specific I want to write about this evening, but I had a blogworthy scenario to share, and also a little blurb I found while cleaning out my backpack last night in preperation for the first day back at school since....a week ago. Sucks. School, that is.
Scenario: Picture it, if you will. Last week, it was a Thursday night. This scene takes place at, I dunno, like 5 am. Where am I? Not snoring as you'd expect, but, in fact, 40 minutes away from my comfy bed. There I am, sitting on the floor of my ex-boyfriend's house, ironing his bandannas. If that's not a blogworthy scenario, I don't know what is. Actually, it would make a good intro for some chick lit. Whenever I find time to write my fiction masterpiece, I'll have to remember that. I'll take this same scenario (minus the scrapbooking that was actually taking place), spice it up with loads of drama, and sell it in the form of an affordable paperback. Yes; that's what I'll do.
Next, let me first say that I am cheap and reuse the same folders for as many semesters as possible. While cleaning one out last night, I found a short opinion response form my marriage and families class. It was hastily written and not thought out, you can tell. But, if I remember correctly, my professor sprung these questions on us at the start of our 8AM class. I was usually walking in as everyone was finishing up, wishing I had the time to stop for coffee. This particular morning he posed a question about love. I didn't write down the question I was responding to, but I'm thinking it was a simple one: What is love? A simple one to ask, yes. To answer? No. I wonder if your ideas about love change over time... like feelings sometimes do. Anyway, here's that particular blurb:
Love is an intense emotional attachment to someone. When you love someone, their happiness is equally as important to you as your own. You make some sacrifices in your life in order to be with them, and learn to compromise and give unselfishly. You want to learn from someone you love, and teach them things as well. You are always ready to help them, and make time to spend with them even when it's difficult or brief. When you love someone, you respect them. You want to grow with someone you love. You trust someone you love.
And that was it. I guess I ran out of time. It was short and succinct, to be sure. I think, though, it is how I feel about love in a nutshell. Of course, this makes it sound as if it's all about giving, and makes me sould like a doormat who thinks love is all about making someone happy, and that's not how I feel at all. I do however, feel that a huge part of it is being happy to make that person happy. Am I being contradictory? Anyway. I've typed enough nonsensical, comma filled, run-on sentences for one night. I'm not gonna philosophise about love tonight. No, sir. I'm tossing this piece of binder paper with the red check on it that shows my professor saw it, but didn't read it into the garbage, and am moving on. It's my last year of this, after all. I won't dwell on previous semesters.
-whoa. That was odd. Not to change the subject, but I just misspelled "previous". One letter difference says that what once was, and is no longer, is "precious." More food for thought.... will I get any sleep tonight?!?

Thursday, July 05, 2007
a simple prayer
Current mood: distressed
Lord, I'm losing it.
I need your help.
Give me the clarity to see when I'm overreacting, or being hasty, needy, obtuse, selfish, insecure, greedy, stubborn, irritating, foolish, attention hogging, jumpy, overexpectant, whiny, a pain in the butt, or just plain stupid. Then, help me find the wisdom, courage, and strength to do something about it. Don't let me let things brew, percolate, and fester. Last night's fireworks were enough, thank you very much.
Don't let me forget that I can't live on my own.
Thanks.... ... .. . for everything. I don't want to take one second of it for granted.
OK. I'm sure you'll be hearing from me again, like, really soon. But for the time being,

Currently listening:If I Could Turn Back Time: Cher's Greatest HitsBy CherRelease date: 09 March, 1999

Sunday, June 10, 2007
Current mood: thankful Category: Life
My dad likes to remind me that I have no idea how fortunate I am. Be that as it may, I know I am so blessed. He doesn't need to tell me that I've got it better than most could hope for. I am aware, and I try hard not to take it for granted. Regardless, he's right. And today, I am so thankful.

Lately, I've noticed that I have had plenty of moments of doubt, insecurity, depression, and maybe even temporary insanity. I've gone through it all quite a bit in recent days. I don't know why I'm reflecting on it all, now, but there's a whole bunch of emotions that I'm feeling right now. There's tears in my eyes even as I writie this, and I have no explanation for their presence.

A lot has gone on in the last month.
Schools out, at least for a bit, and I have had a lot more time to myself. I went to "the house at the end of the universe" for eight days with little or no contact with the outside world. It was an experience unlike anything else I could relate it to. (I think last year I claimed it to be like boot camp, but how would I know?)
My family has been in and out of my house for a little over a week now. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousin. Everybody. I can't tell you the last time I've seen all of them together. Most are in California, others in NYC and Philly. I'm finally back from the shoot and have lots of things to tell people, and time I want to spend with those I've missed, but I must stay with the company. I am so glad to see everyone, but once all the catching up is done with them, there's catching up I need to do with my friends too. I feel awful that I'm torn. Family should always come first, and I should not feel pained or burdened by spending time with them. But, even with a full house, I still feel alone- and this is all my family. I can't explain it.
My grandfather pointed out a painting in a restaurant. It was a chinese character. The little notecard next to it said that it meant happiness. My grandfather corrected it- it means blessings. He then asked me what my definition of a blessing was. I think I said something like, happiness and well wishes or something. He agreed, but expanded that in his culture, a blessing encompasses your family, health, wealth, happiness, an so much more. Then we talked about magical blessings (we mere mortals are incapable of giving these types of blessings, only wishing blessings upon someone), and blessings from God. It was an interesting convo, and I'm not going to go into it, but I'll just say that whether my family was blessed and I turned out ok, or I have been blessed in my own life, I am thankful. So thankful.
My little brother is now a high school graduate. The transmission in my car is acting up. I haven't been to Church in 3 weeks. I'm broke (what's new?), and I'm an emotional wreck.

But, I'm happy. Truly happy. I love that I am able to spend this much time with my family. Everyone is relatively healthy. My friends and coworkers are understanding of my needs. I got to spend a week doing work that excites me with people that entertain me. I'm healthy. My car is out of the shop. I got a PS2. and, I know that I'm loved. How can you not be happy when you know you're loved and blessed? I just need to kick myself whenever I get all down and self-pitying. I've been told my insecurities are not very becomin. As much as that statement ticked me off, I know it's true, 'cuz I can't stand myself when I act this way.

I just got back from watching Away From Her, which was such an emotional story about love and alzheimers desease. I don't know how people cope with such hardships, but I know I must learn. It may not be in my home, but it's coming close enough. I need to know how to be there for the people in my life that I love who must deal with this now and in the future. How do I learn empathy and sympathy? Where do those words and actions of comfort come from?

Anyway. That was a lot of babble about nothing. I got this in an email today. It seems somewhat fitting with my mood, but even if it's not, I liked it and thought I'd share. I know I need to let go and put my life in His hands, but there are somethings that I can control.

Today I Will Make a Differenceby Max LucadoToday I will make a difference. I will begin by controlling my thoughts.A person is the product of his thoughts. I want to be happy and hopeful.Therefore, I will have thoughts that are happy and hopeful. I refuse to be victimized by my circumstances. I will not let petty inconveniencessuch as stoplights, long lines, and traffic jams be my masters. I willavoid negativism and gossip. Optimism will be my companion, and victory will be my hallmark. Today I will make a difference.I will be grateful for the twenty-four hours that are before me. Time isa precious commodity. I refuse to allow what little time I have to becontaminated by self-pity, anxiety, or boredom. I will face this day with the joy of a child and the courage of a giant. I will drink eachminute as though it is my last. When tomorrow comes, today will be goneforever. While it is here, I will use it for loving and giving. Today I will make a difference.I will not let past failures haunt me. Even though my life is scarredwith mistakes, I refuse to rummage through my trash heap of failures. Iwill admit them. I will correct them. I will press on. Victoriously. No failure is fatal. It's OK to stumble. . I will get up. It's OK to fail.
I will rise again. Today I will make a difference.I will spend time with those I love. My spouse, my children, my family.A man can own the world but be poor for the lack of love. A man can ownnothing and yet be wealthy in relationships. Today I will spend at leastfive minutes with the significant people in my world. Five qualityminutes of talking or hugging or thanking or listening. Five undilutedminutes with my mate, children, and friends.Today I will make a difference.From Shaped by GodCopyright (Tyndale House, 2002) Max Lucado

Currently reading:Dragons of a Fallen Sun (Dragonlance: The War of Souls, Volume I)By Margaret WeisRelease date: 01 January, 2001

Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Current mood: discontent Category: Life
Those of you that have kept up with my blogs from the beginning, and those that have known me for a bit, know that I've been struggling. Recent blogs have been fairly upbeat, shallow rantings, or whatever. Things have been pretty good lately. The ups and downs I've been going through are a part of life and are nothing compared to the hardships others face. I'm selfish, though. Self consumed, if you will. Indulge me while I write about myself.
For a long time, I tried to convince myself that I do not want to believe in many things. I wanted to be in control of my life, and in trying to attain and maintain that control, I lost it. You all know the stories. And here I am. I'm fighting to... fighting to accept that my life is not in my control. I am faced with so many choices everyday. Simple choices. Choices about getting up and going school and work. Choices about my interactions with people. I choose whether to sit back or take charge. To stand up or give in. I usually give in...
I don't know what I'm doing. I need guidance, and faith, and people I can trust to not take advantage of me when I'm so obviously floundering and vulnerable. I wasn't always like this. I thought I was strong and beautiful and headed for great things. But somewhere along the way I lost sight of myself. I have very little discipline, self control. I let go of my faith and cannot seem to grasp it again. I fight with myself and push people away. I don't laugh easily. The walls that I was sure I was working to break down seem to be more resilient than I thought. (I hope they're not indestructable. I can't see through to the other side and I so badly want to). I know I've written about this before. Since I came to Charlotte, I thought things were geting better. But, I just wasn't upset about my position any more. I was going with the flow, going nowhere, and pretending I was going somewhere. I was fine with that. I thought my situation had changed, but I still can't seem to find my direction. I am not okay with that any longer.
The things I thought I was so sure of don't hold their water anymore. Some things I think about so much that I end up confusing myself more than I was before. I think in circles, overanalyze, and I still can't seem to put my finger on that something... I have nothing that moves me. There's very little that is important to me, and nothing that I'm passionate about. I am not comfortable looking people in the eye anymore. How sad.
I'm lost. "I still believe that I cannot be saved ". I don't think I believe that, but I can't get it out of my head. I've met a lot of great people in Charlotte. I think everyone has made an impression on me in some way or another; even the people I don't think about often or don't like thinking about at all. I think a lot of this introspection is because of their influence. I see what I don't like about some of them in me. I am envious of most for having their passions, concern, motivation, determination, admirations, love... I want some of that for myself, even though I may have denied wanting those things for so long. And I think I'm ready to let go of some things, and not only make a path for myself, but also let myself be lead. But, I'm scared and don't know where to begin. You would think that coming to this realization would make me feel good- like I'm taking the first step, but, in actuality, it's very discomforting.
I know some of you will read this and have insights to offer. Even those that barely know me may want to help me. Just know that I won't know how to let you. I know you will, though. I thank you in advance.
Okay. Deep breath. I kinda hope nobody reads this, (but you know I'm conflicted and desperately hope deep down inside that everyone reads this and wants to hold my hand). Someone already is, and has been from the moment I shared any of my doubts. Thank you.
Crawling linkin parkcrawling in my skinthese wounds they will not healfear is how I fallconfusing what is realthere's something inside me that pulls beneath the surfaceconsuming/confusingthis lack of self-control I fear is never endingcontrolling/I can't seemto find myself againmy walls are closing in(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way beforeso insecurecrawling in my skinthese wounds they will not healfear is how I fallconfusing what is realdiscomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon medistracting/reactingagainst my will I stand beside my own reflectionit's haunting how I can't seem... to find myself againmy walls are closing in(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way beforeso insecurecrawling in my skinthese wounds they will not healfear is how I fallconfusing what is realcrawling in my skinthese wounds they will not healfear is how I fallconfusing confusing what is realthere's something inside me that pulls beneath the surfaceconsuming/confusing what is realthis lack of self-control I fear is never endingcontrolling/confusing what is real

Currently listening:Mellon Collie and the Infinite SadnessBy Smashing PumpkinsRelease date: 24 October, 1995

Friday, November 17, 2006
forecast for the days ahead
Current mood: happy Category: Life
I'm happy.
and a little scared, but still hopeful. I dunno what's happening in my life. I've got no clue, but that's ok. I kinda feel that I like the direction things are headed. I'm going to try to be as normal as I can be, and not act like a complete lunatic anymore. Gotta keep my head on straight.
Outlook's bright for the days ahead. A chance of mild dissappointments, but nothing that should slow me down. Change may be blowing in strong, but only to clear away the clouds, giving way to sunshine like I haven't felt for a long time... I can tell.

Sunday, October 22, 2006
taking it slow
Current mood: complacent Category: Life
So, I'm trying to slow down. I have been rushing through so many things in my life, and I'm not sure what I was hurrying towards. I see I may have just skipped right over some key areas of the times and experiences I should have lived more fully. Does that make sense? Anyway, I'm trying to change that.
It's been hard. I'm not used to my life at this pace. But I think I like it. I'm making more time to enjoy the time I have. Did that make sense? If I'm not making any sense to you, stop reading now 'cuz it's not gonna get any better. I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I'm just in the mood to write. And think. And eat warm you all over good to the last drop home cooked food. If I had someone I could cuddle with under a blanket and watch a movie with right now, I'd do it. Too bad my pup is wet.
I am so chill right now. Sweats and no makeup. I am not doing homework or anything, but have just been loungin around by myself. The house is quiet. The sun's finally out. It's been nice. But I'm kinda cold, and the vegetable soup I made, and the laying with a blanket in the recliner didn't seem to help. I couldn't stay awake throughout the whole movie that I was watching for extra credit. I dunno if it is because of last night's activities, or the weather, or the fact that I'm in the comfiest clothes right now, but it's not enough. Something is missing. I'm almost content right now. Almost. It's funny, most of the time when I'm unproductive and lounging, I just feel lethargic and sorry. Today is so not like that. But still, it could be better..
I'll stop going on about this now. I just am trying to write and let words flow without thinking about it. Maybe it'll help me if I wanna do Nanowrimo again this year. All I really wanted to say was that I'm taking things slow. Or trying to. It's weird. I can't really guage where I stand or where others stand in relation to me and my life and my goals. I guess that's pretty normal and I may get used to it with time. I'm hoping that with time I'll figure out what I want and things will be a little more clear for me. In the meantime, I just hope I don't get fed up with being uncertain.. I have before and look where it got me. Me going out and getting shit without knowing what it was I wanted or why I wanted it... That never really worked for me. It was an okay temporary feeling, but I think everytime I moved like that and got what I wanted so quickly, I ended up feeling more lacking, more hollow than before. So, I may still be a little impulsive, but I'm trying to see the beauty and logic and music in the things time lets us feel if we feel like taking the time. Roy said it, and it may be true that "All those moments ... will be lost ... in time ... like tears in rain." but damn, they are great to have and I'm glad I've decided to make them and keep them. I'm going about everything a little differently, and not everything is gonna work out the way I want it to. If I seem to be losing focus or getting discouraged, please remind me to slow down. I don't want to go back to who I was or lose sight of what I want this time.

Currently watching:Blade Runner - The Director's Cut (Remastered Limited Edition)Release date: 05 September, 2006

Saturday, April 22, 2006
She's my subject
Current mood: okay Category: Writing and Poetry
She's Laughing with the bartender when the lights come onDancing when nobody's watchingNot caring when anybody isComfortable in her elementSometimes surprised at what her element isStretched out on the grass with a book and her dogNot a shit talkerNot stressing about running lateInfuriated when she's ignoredAbout to get over itTalking to the treesCooking up a stormGot a pen in her handNot gonna sweat youA FighterA FeministA FriendOkay with letting go Ready to see the worldWilling to teach the communityWanting to touch livesSometimes playfulLooking for inspiration She'sNot easily forgottenGonna make it She's Just fine.

No comments: